Beyond a Season

Toni Braxton - Holiday Celebrate

tyra falls!!!

This was funny to me...maybe u'll laff as well!

lady falling into ditch

Christina Aguilera - This Christmas

Lost Ur Mind Ep 1: 2 Shoes, 1 Bush

Brandy - Long Distance

I can sooooo identify with this song

Forbidden Fruit

Why is it that when you have something good, something lovely and beautiful you sometimes want the very thing that opposes that because it LOOKS good? That "fruit" could look so edible, so healthy, so tasty but what price do you have to pay to bite into it? What do you have to give to live after taking a bit of that fruit? Snow White almost died, Eve and Adam lost their closeness with God, and many others have paid the penalty of tasting that forbidden fruit. So why is it that we, as a people, keep walking towards that which is forbidden? Is the danger that alluring? Does the threat somehow excite us in ways that safety and comfort cannot? Or is it simply the unknown...a way to deviate from "normal" and "predictable." Who knows? I sure as hell don't. I'm just throwing out these questions. Maybe you have some idea?

TYRA BANKS

If U Want Me...Prove IT!

Status Change

A poem by yours truly

Joss Stone - Right To Be Wrong

Does anybody else feel like this? People try to run your life through religion, philosophies, and other methods of manipulation. Yes, I am Christian. I believe in the Bible but I still have questions. Even the most prominent people in the Bible [besides Jesus, of course] were imperfect and did things that were definitely wrong. And really...I think they have that right. Its the beauty of being human. We have the right to be wrong! And with that said, we know that even if we aint perfect we doin just fine.

Mark Morrison - Return Of The Mack

Mariah Carey - Boy (I Need You) (High Quality)

Anybody heard this?

Lyfe - The way i feel about you

Love Don't Love Me

Listening to Eric Benet's song and having just had a conversation with someone who lights up my world...I realize that love sho' as hell dont love me. I don't get it. I always fall for the person that doesn't fall as hard or as soon as I do. Its rather unnerving and frustrating after a while.

"All I ever needed I can never find..." Eric said it HARD in this song. I'm so sick of this. Close to giving up...is it all worth it in the end? Should I hold on to the one who makes me smile but doesn't completely realize their worth to me or should I move on to the person who I know [or have a strong belief] loves me and knows it without any difficulty or complications aside from the norm? I see, I love, and I wait...sometimes to no avail and that is when it becomes a problem.

I'm persistent but why should I have to be? Its stupid. There are people knocking on my door and I'm ignoring them for the one person who can't seem to find my door. STUPID STUPID. I dont know right now but I will soon and a decision will be made. Its probably gonna boil down to being "Selfish" [ask Vivian Green]. Either way, I know I will be doin' just fine in the end.

Obersvations, Confessionz, and Random Talk

Insecurities

Recent events took me back just a little. I'm in the beginnings of a new relationship as I have already stated in a previous post which is great. Don't get me wrong, its going pretty good with him and I but the inside is rather disturbed. I'm realizing insecurities that I thought I had overcome.

I usually over think everything, or at least that's what my intimate friends have told me and I can't say I disagree. I'm a thinker, it comes so naturally but I am attempting to try something new. I want to "let it flow" like Toni Braxton proclaimed in this song:

Jazmine Sullivan claimed that she wasn't scared of lions tigers and bears but she was scared of loving the guy that she felt loved her. Is love worth the risk? Is the hope of a warm body and even warmer smile worth the danger of a broken heart and an even more broken spirit? Some would argue no and yet even more [in my opinion] would argue less.

Insecurities and past hurts aside I am planning to follow Eric Benet's lead and "let my heart take its chances just to be loved by you." I want to be loved and in order to be loved we have to master our fears and pray and hope that it plays out. So on that note...I'm going to step out on faith and hope for the best.

2pac feat. Jon B - R U Still Down?

Dis from dat Job B. Justin Timberlake couldnt touch him at all. lol

Secrets

Wow...I'm beyond amazed. For so long I have searched for a hand to hold. For so long I have been in need of that special someone and I have denied myself much for the off chance that they might be happy despite myself. Needless to say, that has changed to a degree. Some might call it selfish but call it what you want--I don't care.

I have met someone. Someone who makes me smile and whom I make smile. Someone whose presence reminds me of a love that I have not had in a long time. Religious convictions aside--I want this. Yes, this person is male. A wonderful man, if I do say so myself. I don't know where this is going nor how long its going but I am down for the ride for now. Seeing how this is going to play out and enjoying the time in between.

I won't tell your secrets. They safe with me. I'm doing just fine right now, ya'll, cuz I got me a hand to hold. I haven't forgotten about the Lord and I hope and pray he hasn't forgotten about me. But I feel like I need this and I almost feel like he opened the door. Yes, we know he doesn't tempt us with evil but how evil can raw, unadulterated emotion be?

I won't tell if you won't tell. Just think of me as the pages in your diary. ;-)

Barack Obama - Whatever I Like (T.I. - Whatever You Like)

LMAO!! PPL this was too funny to pass up. Had to share it. You gotta comment this one.

Anthony David - Words feat. India.Arie

Montell Jordan - This is how we do it

Today is History!!

I VOTED!!!

Whitney Houston - Heartbreak Hotel

Ya'll remember this? It was the jumpoff. I was feelin dis song fa real.

Brandy - 2nd Thought

I likes this song. Brandy is doin her thang!

Countless Thoughts #11 SHIHAN!!

Barack Obama on Ellen

I wasn't gonna say anything about the political realm BUT I came across this video on my new favorite pasttime--YOUTUBE. Even as a regular person I think Obama is cool ppls. I'm not gonna tell you who to vote for because, well, that aint my problem. lol Anyway, just respect ppl and be able to understand and identify with people no matter if you think they will be a good president or not. Can we do that?

Countless #11 Update on Chi Chi

Vivian green - Selfish

Sometimes people don't understand when that one they can always count on goes through a transformation in order to make it from day to day. Sometimes we just need to do for ourselves and everyone is going to think we are being selfish, when in fact we are simply trying to survive just like everyone else. Anyone disagree? Every once in a while it takes being selfish [in some ways] to continue to do just fine.

Lyfe Jennings - Will I Ever

I'm feelin this beyond measure

Faithful Are the Wounds of a Friend

So…my best friend is tripping. Lets call him Edward for the sake of this blog. Anyway…I am in a place right now where I really cant nor do I want to deal with unnecessary drama. And he of course brings it. Being changeable and moody as if I have done something to him when I haven’t. How do I know this? Because I have been on fall break and haven’t had verbal or physical contact with him. Now I did send a message on Facebook which he never responded too. I didn’t break off communication and I really don’t need this right now. I’m going through things and I need my best friend but I don’t know if we will survive this one because I think I am close to being fed up with foolishness in general. Friendship, in my opinion, should not be this hard. I just want to know what is going on but I don’t know how this will end. But in the end this will all work for my good and I know I will be doing just fine.

Countless Thoughts #8 Fire in the House

21:03 singing cover me

This song really ministers to me. We, as Christians and people in general, need to realize that we need each other. We are not strong enough to do this on our own. Sometimes, we [especially me], feel the need to be "strong" and not ask for help or let people know that I'm struggling but a series of events made me get over that to a great degree. Pride aint worth it. All it takes sometimes is someone to simply say "You can make it" or "I'm proud of you." Not much in deed or time but much in action. With that said:

My brother or sister, whatever you are going through [Christian or not] I want you to know that you can make it. I want you to know that we are all struggling. None of us have arrived. Remember, I need you to cover me and continue to keep me lifted. Be blessed.

Vivian Green - Gotta Go Gotta Leave

This song really spoke to me in so many ways. Everything in it, of course, doesn't apply to me BUT a lot of it does. I'm tired of love. In the past I have held on to a love that was hurting me. I did this out of some warped sense of self sustainment [not a word lol] but at the same time I did it for her. Needless to say it broke me down and I had to let her go.

"I gotta go. I gotta leave.
So please don’t make it hard for me.
I’ve gave enough, I’m tired of love,
I gotta let it go"

Anybody gotta go??

Countless Thoughts #6 - Spirit of Truth

J Moss - I'm Not Perfect feat. Anthony Hamilton

Remixx - Dear Lord

Mention of Failure and Struggle

I fell down. Yes, me. Rakeem Vaquan Person fell down. The "arrogant" one, the confident one, "the one who had it all together" stumbled and not only stumbled but fell--and hard. Some of you may take joy in this, some of you may be horrified, some of you may be saddened. I apologize for all of this, but guess what? Im human. I tried to forget that in the past but now i realize that it isnt necessarily a weakness, being human has its strengths. It means that I dont have to try so hard. I dont have to be so strong. Weakness is okay, frailty is expected, and God is the source behind my success.

Some of you may wonder what i mean by this. If you dont know...then ask me personally, if you do then it needs no explanation. There is a journey that i took, a journey that i sometimes regret. But the choice was not completely mine to make. I am not a quitter, not by nature anyway--but sometimes i feel like quitting. And for a little while...i did quit. But i see that quitting is not the answer, for some reason I cannot run away. I dont have that luxury.

For some this may reinforce doubt, for others this may strike a nerve...in any case, its not about really what you think its about what my Father thinks and I had forgotten that for a while. Perfection can be a burden when one tries to perfect himself but i have learned, in this undue season, that only One can truly perfect a human being.

I am not worthy of this second second chance. I don't deserve the forgiveness of those i have led astray. Some of you wont be hearin from me for a while--if at all. Some of you will. Its not personal...its spiritual.

Maya Angelou wrote a poem called "When I Say I Am A Christian" and it states the most profoundly simple, yet intricately spiritual truths that many of us Christians [including myself] have missed. I will excerpt two stanzas of Maya's poem for the purpose of this note.

Stanza 2:
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.

Stanza 7:
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!

The mercy of God thru Christ did not come because of my own merit, no, it came because God said it out of incomprehensible love. This poem shows that Christians have no right to be arrogant, no right to condemn others, no right to look down their noses because we are all a slip away from the gutter. We are all a breath away from that which we frown upon. Be not deceived, God is not mocked--above all things is charity.

I ask those who know what i am talking about and resent me for making this mistake[s] to forgive me but more importantly NOT to look to me as your only example if an example at all. Look to Christ. I'm striving just like you, I'm human just like you, I'm struggling just like you. I havent made it. I have not arrived. Honestly, i'm too far behind.

Some of you will not understand or agree with this but i know via the Word of God that ALL things work to the good of them that LOVE God. Not some things, ALL things! Remember a saint is just a sinner who fell down and GOT UP.

Its not gonna be overnight. You may hear me cuss, you may observe my eyes wandering--but you will NOT see me quit as long as God is on my side. I am one of many prodigal sons and i am returning home. But not out of merit but out of the grace and mercy of the Most High. I do not judge you--I do not have the right. But i do ask you to [when the time comes] choose to get up. We have work to do and we need each other. I need you to help me and I promise that i will return it.

Thank you. Be Blessed forever.

Countless Thoughts #5

Hitman Sammy Sam - Step Daddy

i love this song! lil boy in red is gettin it.

I'm Here

And I'm living. Ya'll I've been going through some thangs. Let me tell you--lol. I find it interesting how someone can be in a place that he never foresaw. I'm not going to go into too many details but like I have already stated...I have found my humanity and i don't like it. I keep drifting further and further but all the while holding on to that which I hold dearest--FAITH.

No matter where you are in life you cannot let people rob you of that one thing. The knowledge that God is in control, not you, not me, not anyone but God. That faith keeps me goin. If you are going through something--anything--drugs, gang violence, sexual abuse, physical abuse, identity crisis, sexuality issues, all that--all it takes i faith to know that one day it will all be over. You [nor I] will have to fight this hard all our lives. Trouble does only last for a while but sometimes the hardest thing to do is hold on but its the easiest thing to say.

I have so much on my plate, education-wise, spiritually, humanly, personally, emotionally and all the other "-lly's" out there. I'm just waitin, prayin that I dont die before I wake up from the tiresome dream. Pray with me. Sooner or later we all gonna be doin' just fine.

Concrete Angel

Countless Thoughts #2

Anthony Hamilton Ft. Jaheim, Musiq - Struggle No More

Not Superman, Just a Man

You know...I have come to realize something: I am only human, no matter how hard I try to be superhuman I cant. Don't worry, I mean I still am doin' just fine I guess but I am having a moment. At this point in my life I feel a little broken and offended. Broken because all my walls came crashing down and most of my masks broke and there was nothing I could do about.

Every one looking at me as if I am something extraordinary or special but I am nothing more than a man and I struggle like everyone else. I realized that we have to stop lying to ourselves before we can stop lying to people. If you dont be real with anyone else be REAL with your self not matter what the case may be. Be real and honest with God [it aint like he dont already know lol] but He respects boldness and honesty.

If all else fails [and it just well might] remember to KISS (Keep It Simple Silly]. If you KISS and just be real with yourself everything will eventually be ok and we all will be DOIN' JUST FINE.

3 Doors Down - The Road I'm On: Edited, Closed Captioned

Maya Angelou - Inspirational

Maya Angelou - Inspirational

Whitney Houston - Exhale

Craig David - Walking Away (US Version)

Donnie McClurkin - We Fall Down

India Arie

Chaka khan Keep Your Head Up Sound Track

Hear This- Kierra Kiki Sheard

AC!!!

Ok. God is more than awesome. Like I stated in a previous entry my financial aid was finally reinstated and I was assigned a dorm with my best friend/brother. Now the dorm that we were assigned to is Cotten. How ironic is that? Even in this generation the black man can't excape it. lol. I'm just kidding.

Anyway, since neither my roommate nor myself did our very best last semester we were randomly assigned. Cotten, and the dorms that surround it are known for not having air conditioning. Me personally, i can't sleep if I am too warm...or shall i say--I can't sleep comfortably and soundly if I am warm.

So today was move in day, we finally get to my room and my little cousin goes "I bet you have air conditioning." Stepped through the door and what do u know? God made a way out of no way!! Me and my brother have AC! One of the very few rooms that accommodates it. God betta work it out. So as I've stated in previous entries before...I'm doin just fine.

More Than I Can Bear By Kirk Franklin

This is so true. Trust in Him

Praise GOD!

My appeal was finally approved. My federal financial aid is back!!! God has made a way when I couldn't see a way. Thank God for my mother who used wisdom and her business savvy to instruct me on what to do. Everything worked out good now I have to sanctify this by not doing what I did last semester. I am a conqueror, actually I am more than a conqueror. God gave me this mind and I WILL use it to the utmost. No more selling myself short to come off as less smart or less interested in material because my peers are. I am a genius/innovator/success in the making. I have a work to do and I will do it. If you need something from the Lord and you believe He will make a way then he will. Trust and NEVER doubt that the Lord will make a way somehow!!!!!

Leona Lewis - Footprints in the Sand

This song is beautiful and shows that even through the "worst" situations God is still there. :-)

Just One of Dem Days

Ever had one of these? Those days when everything and everybody is getting on every nerve that you have? The days when all you want to do is chill and have a great day but everything goes against that one simple request? Then they get upset when you get upset and accuse you of being moody or mean or something of that nature? We still love them but we just having one of dem days. Monica says that girls go through them but men do to. Ugh...just one of them days but I'm still DOIN JUST FINE.

That Empty...

feelin. Have you ever felt it? Idk...its not an empty emptiness...its more like an empty vessel before its filled with something. Its a vacancy with promise. I dont know what I'm expecting or waiting for but I just have this...waiting emptiness. I'm happy. I have my job but there is still something that I am waiting for. But whether empty or full...I'm DOING JUST FINE!

Life in a Book

Disney has made sad stories end in a beautiful light. Disasters turn into Princesses who found their Prince. Kings who regained their kingdoms. Wizards who mastered their magic. Fairies who discovered their charm. Elves who realized that magic knows no height requirements. Some might call these stories fables...or illusions against reality. But, despite the magic and the fictional fabrications I call these stories optimistic. I call these stories a watered-down form of faith, but still faith nonetheless. Would life in a book be so bad? Would it be horrible to know that some magical godmother will come and grant you riches when all you had were rags? Would it be so terrible to find oneself in a castle that once belonged to some evil stepmother? I mean really--would it be awful seven friends who would chase and destroy evil just to make sure that you came out alive and not some victim to an eternal sleep? Life may not be a fairytale, and some people resent the lies that fairies tell...but what about the truths that they sprinkle over their pages? The truth that no matter what you can do JUST FINE.

Order My Steps

This is like the first time in a long time when I didn't understand why any of these things are happening to me. I mean, I was at a total loss yesterday. Situations just weren't working out and I couldn't see what tomorrow was going to bring. Then with the help of the sermon my pastor preached and a word of wisdom from a brother at church and a long convo with my brother EJ enlightened me. I don't have to know what's going on if I trust God. I don't have to worry or anything because He has all things in his hands. All I have to do is move when he tells me to but until then I am just waiting for him to order my steps and guide me to the place I need to be. I really know what it means for the Lord to be my shepherd. I SHALL NOT WANT. So basically, I received a word from the Lord and now I am REALLY DOIN' JUST FINE!

Mary J. Blige - Take Me As I Am

Me.
Thats all I can be. I may change if I am led to but more than likely I am going to be me. So I realized that the people that matter won't hold me accountable for that because I am not a bad person. I have let my past mold me into this semi-insensitive, cynical, goofy individual who has so many masks that sometimes he forgets the face behind them. I am not perfect and honestly I dont expect to be. But I do expect to grow everyday to be better--a better man, a better person, a better friend, a better everything. So take me as I am or risk having nothing at all.

Gina Loring-Somewhere There is a Poem

Just...wow. I came across this while simply listening to youtube poets while doing some photoediting. Not only is this woman beautiful in the physical her words imitate that beauty and so does her voice. This poem is powerful...i mean like destructively powerful. Just....wow.

So Much for FD

Well, the job opportunity I had a Family Dollar is gone. Waited too long on Dollar General I suppose. But again, that is all good. Something way better is just waiting on me to stumble on it. Job hunting is so tiresome usually but I am just patiently waiting for the right one or 3, if you know what I am mean. A job is very important for me right now because I may be funding my own education for next semester so I want a job quick. However nothing is going to dampen my job, especially nothing like this. So, so much for FD but me? Well, as you may have guessed--IM DOIN' JUST FINE! HAhahahahahahahah

Well, Alright by CeCe Winans

I need this song right now. Even if the change dont come today its tonight. And He will answer every little prayer--ALRIGHT. Faith is a blessing especially concerning the Lord. Faith in anything else is pretty much vain.

Denied

So...I received a letter in the mail today from the Financial Aid department of UNC-Greensboro. This letter was to regretfully inform me about the DENIAL of my appeal to regain my federal aid for the Fall 2008 semester. DENIED Seeing those words should have hurt more or made me upset or something but strangely, they did not. I was already mentally prepared for this letter. Since I couln't finance my return to UNCG the easy way it just let me know that I will have to do it another way. There is nothing I want more at this point in my life than to finish my education. My dreams will NOT be deferred or deterred by a piece of modified wood with markings that tell me that my request was DENIED. I have been "denied" all my life and still I have made it. There is Someone on my side and I dont have to fear such letters. The letter of denial just let me know that God has a better way for me to go about college. Perhaps God's way will not add more debt to me and even if it does I really feel that its worth it.

I like what I see when I'm lookin at me....

This last few months has shown me something. Things aren't perfect in my life by any means. Lets see--the woman that I love is in the arms of another [for now]. The federal financial aid that I had for school is no longer available to me because I failed a class last semester due to lack of Blackboard savvy. And now I can't seem to find a job. But the thing is...I'm not worried about none of that stuff. And I am happier than I have been in a while. So yes, I like what I see when I'm lookin at me when I walk past the mirror. Situations and entities are attempting to steal my joy and in a sense, who I am. But I KNOW all this is going to work out for my good because of the God I serve. I am doing JUST FINE--how about you?