Jaylen's Journal: Entry 1

March 23, 2010
2:47AM

Most people don’t think men love as much or as hard as women. And most men would agree. But for me, it’s so not the case. Right now, at this moment, I sit here writing and crying because I’m loving so hard. Loving someone with my entirety which is uncharted for me.

I’ve been walled in, gated. I’ve been assaulted by cynicism and heartache and then all of a sudden, this strange and powerful love infiltrated every barrier. Every defense mechanism that my years had afforded me. I was suddenly ten years old again, naïve, hopeful…open.

But again, here I sit crying. Crying because it hurts terribly to love and feel loved, yet not be able to be with that person. The waiting, the questions, the uncertainty is at many times beyond unbearable and I wonder if one man is truly meant to carry such emotion. How does my body contain the fire of it all? The inferno of love, lust, passion? It’s not logical in the least. I’m even starting to wonder if it’s healthy.

Sometimes I wish I could just sleep the pain away, and the thoughts. Fade away until I can be with the one that I love. I’m not talking about suicide, not in the least. I’m talking about emptiness, apathy. Feeling nothing would have to be more peaceful than feeling every possible facet of love all at once and not being able to express it adequately.

I write in this journal because I had to do something. I needed to find an outlet, short of drugs and alcohol, to escape. And if not to escape, to cope.

At times I stand in the mirror. I stare at myself and I say, “Jaylen. Why love so deeply? Why feel so unsensibly?” And I never have the answer. I don’t know why, I just know how. Although, even the knowledge of how is not knowledge in the traditional sense. It’s more a feeling, an emotion. I know how because of the fact that I am familiar with love. Love does not answer why in most cases. Love is the answer to how.

How is it that I, a dashing young man if I do say so myself, can wait on another human being for an undetermined amount of time? How is it that I can smile even through all the hurt that this affection has caused? How is it that even as I sit here weeping and feeling a chasm form in my heart I still know that this person is who I want to be with?

Looking back at the last paragraph, I guess you could replace how with why but I rather not. For truthfully, how and why are not all that different. In most cases, if you find out how you can also determine why and vice versa. In my case, the answer to both questions is pure unadulterated love. Simple isn’t it? Not really. Love is a four letter word with an infinite amount of intricacy.

Is it not love that makes a Romantic hopeless? The search for the seemingly unattainable. The desire for the reality of fairy tales. But even fairy tales had their hardships. Before the Sleeping Beauty found her prince she had to be poisoned and near death. Before Rapunzel was rescued, she was enslaved in her own home. Disney movies show you the journey to love, but all we seem to remember is the “Happily Ever After.” Love does not stop at the wedding, that’s when the true test begins.

Anyway, I’m babbling now. I should be getting to bed. I have to wake up early in the morning. I’m going to go lay down now and hopefully I won’t drown in my tears. Alicia Keys sings a song called “Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart”. It’s not really all that difficult once a broken heart is all you're used to.

Is Love Worth It?

Due to recent events I am lead to ask this question:

Is love enough? And is it worth it?

I ask this question not out of anger but out of genuine curiosity because the answer could influence a decision I will have to make. I am undoubtedly in love. I'm so in love that I find it hard to let go and anyone who knows me KNOWS that if you do me wrong you are DONE without the batting of an eye.

Ask me if I believe in love and I will tell you yes. I have faith in it and that is why I believe I am going to do something that is uncharted for me. I'm going to give a second chance because I love and I'm in love. I hope it doesnt come back and bite me in the ass. But love is the greatest weakness AND the greatest strength.

Last Offence - They Don't Like Me

Quarrel

“I can never tell you what’s on my mind. Every time I do you make me feel guilty about it. As if, I should just shut the fuck up and keep my thoughts to myself. And then, when I do that…you’re still mad because you think I am keepings things from you. Can I win?” The last sentence was yelled a little, and was emphasized with Daye slamming his book on the table. Tony just stared at him blankly. A bit stunned.

“Wow. Tell me how you really feel, then.” Tony muttered drily, walking to the fridge.

“See! That! That right there! The sarcasm. Do you take me seriously or am I just some elaborate joke to you?” By this time Daye was standing up. The emotion on his face couldn’t decide if it was outraged or sad. Daye tended to have that polarity about him. He hardly ever looked like one particular thing, never sounded one particular way. His mom used to joke and tell him that no matter what he was Daye, and his emotions were night.

“No, you are not a joke. Clearly, I wouldn’t be with a joke for going on a year now.” Tony tried really hard to make his natural dryness a little bit less..well…dry. But he could never really take the sarcasm out of his voice. It always held tones that seemed deriding in some way.

“Then why is it that every time I point out something that bothers me I am met with this...this...nonchalance. And if it’s not nonchalance then it’s this victim act. Acting like you’re all hurt because I had the balls to tell you something isn’t cool.” Daye said critically. Bottling everything in had really began to take its toll on him. He tried really hard not to always come at Tony with something that he didn’t like but lately, he just couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“Look, I’m sorry that I make you feel bad. But you make me feel bad too. How would you like it if I gave you a constant reminder about how imperfect you are? I just deal with it because I have found that it’s you. And it’s YOU that I love.” Tony declared leaning against the counter.

“Don’t even do that. Just because I bring stuff to you does NOT mean I don’t love you. The reason I tell you is because I love you. If I didn’t give a rat’s ass about you then I wouldn’t care what the hell you did or didn’t do.” Said Daye in a controlled voice. He didn’t like screaming.

“Why you got to use all that profanity? Why can’t you just talk to me instead of cut me down?”

“Cut you down? Really, Tony? Okay, since cussing bothers you I won’t do it. See how easy that is? Now did I do a guilt trip on you? Or did I just take your constructive criticism in stride?” Daye questioned triumphantly, he knew this argument was his.

“That’s just it. I’m not a contestant on some reality TV show. I don’t need to be critiqued. I need to be accepted. And I don’t understand why you can’t do that. I’m going for a walk. Don’t wait up.” Daye watched as Tony headed for the door.

“A walk, babe, it’s really close to midnight. You don’t have to do all that.” Resigned, Daye flopped back in the kitchen chair.

“Yes. I do.” Tony said as he stepped out the front door leaving Daye to think about what had just occurred.

For the past week or two they’d been arguing like this off and on. And for each argument Daye had been left to wonder what had just happened when he was the one who had initially been upset. Why wasn’t he the one storming out the door in a hissy fit?

While he sat there, thinking about all this with his hands holding up his head as he looked at the tiled kitchen floor there was a loud noise. It didn’t really alarm Daye at first; there was always a noise of some sort in this neighborhood. Then he heard it again and realized it was a gun shot. He sat bolt upright and ran to the front door because he had a heard a male voice cry out in pain along with a second gun shot.