Monday, January 26, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Trust. Such a Sadistic Word
Could I really forsake the precedents that many ungrateful men have set? How can I expect better when all I have been given is worse? I am only human and sometimes that scares me. It frightens me like that which cannot be stopped. It frightens me the way that the night frightens a little child who has to walk alone. It frightens me like the sound of thunder while you’re in the house alone. It’s a part of nature but that doesn’t make it any less frightening.
Just like the inevitable night and the roar of thunder the inability to know if someone is going to hurt me scares the living heck out of me. Nothing is ever secure, nothing is ever truly written in stone. I could give my heart to someone and they could either coddle it as if it were the world’s most precious diamond or they could throw it to the ground with brutish force to watch it smash into many shards and pieces. It’s the risk one takes.
Trust is so fickle. It is conditional. Based upon precedents and behavioral consistencies. Trust is the river that flows freely until there is a rock or debris in its path and suddenly the waters are no longer soothing but rapid, choppy. These rocks could be small truths that deeper investigation found to be false. These rocks could be promises broken, small promises. The debris that causes the river to be hazardous could be as small as a phone number found in a pocket by chance.
Can I base my life on this? On this whim? On something as unstable and inconsistent as the direction of a wind or the flow of a river? Trust. Trust is a risk in and of itself. It’s a threat of disappointment or fulfillment. Its not a promise…it’s an intangible joke scratched into the brains of human’s everywhere. Will I forsake my trust, and in turn, forsake my sanity? Or will I hold on to the trust and risk forsaking the happiness of my heart? I don’t even trust that these questions will ever be answered so I simply continue on as I was…trusting that it will be okay thought there is no guarantee that it will.
Just like the inevitable night and the roar of thunder the inability to know if someone is going to hurt me scares the living heck out of me. Nothing is ever secure, nothing is ever truly written in stone. I could give my heart to someone and they could either coddle it as if it were the world’s most precious diamond or they could throw it to the ground with brutish force to watch it smash into many shards and pieces. It’s the risk one takes.
Trust is so fickle. It is conditional. Based upon precedents and behavioral consistencies. Trust is the river that flows freely until there is a rock or debris in its path and suddenly the waters are no longer soothing but rapid, choppy. These rocks could be small truths that deeper investigation found to be false. These rocks could be promises broken, small promises. The debris that causes the river to be hazardous could be as small as a phone number found in a pocket by chance.
Can I base my life on this? On this whim? On something as unstable and inconsistent as the direction of a wind or the flow of a river? Trust. Trust is a risk in and of itself. It’s a threat of disappointment or fulfillment. Its not a promise…it’s an intangible joke scratched into the brains of human’s everywhere. Will I forsake my trust, and in turn, forsake my sanity? Or will I hold on to the trust and risk forsaking the happiness of my heart? I don’t even trust that these questions will ever be answered so I simply continue on as I was…trusting that it will be okay thought there is no guarantee that it will.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Gotta Go
To be quite honest...I love him. I do. And I am one of those people that fight for love. I fight like a son of a bitch because of that warm fuzzy feeling on the inside of my stomach. Like a great fur coat being brushed against my insides. The thing is: I can't keep fighting for that feeling if it starts getting weak. If the fur begins to feel more like scratches instead of snuggles. I give my all, I exhaust all of my resources, and then I accept the conclusion that [you] are not worth my struggle to maintain whatever this may be. I cannot struggle by myself.
It takes TWO to make a thing go right. It takes TWO to make a relationship work. I'm strong, I'm rather much...but obviously I am not enough. I tried...honestly, I gave it my all to no avail. You or rather, he, chose to do other things and left me in an oasis of my tears. Left me in a pool of mourning because I suddenly realized that most of the hope for any salvaging of this relationship vacated the premises a while ago.
I recall a song by Leona Lewis that states, "Even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile because I deserve to, it will ALL get better in TIME." With that said...I prepare myself for "in time" while i weep in the "now". Maybe we may still be together...one day...but that is a child's wish, a naive hope, a dream in the midst of a harsh reality. With that said...basically, I gotta go...but only so I can continue to be DOIN' JUST FINE.
It takes TWO to make a thing go right. It takes TWO to make a relationship work. I'm strong, I'm rather much...but obviously I am not enough. I tried...honestly, I gave it my all to no avail. You or rather, he, chose to do other things and left me in an oasis of my tears. Left me in a pool of mourning because I suddenly realized that most of the hope for any salvaging of this relationship vacated the premises a while ago.
I recall a song by Leona Lewis that states, "Even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile because I deserve to, it will ALL get better in TIME." With that said...I prepare myself for "in time" while i weep in the "now". Maybe we may still be together...one day...but that is a child's wish, a naive hope, a dream in the midst of a harsh reality. With that said...basically, I gotta go...but only so I can continue to be DOIN' JUST FINE.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
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