Could I really forsake the precedents that many ungrateful men have set? How can I expect better when all I have been given is worse? I am only human and sometimes that scares me. It frightens me like that which cannot be stopped. It frightens me the way that the night frightens a little child who has to walk alone. It frightens me like the sound of thunder while you’re in the house alone. It’s a part of nature but that doesn’t make it any less frightening.
Just like the inevitable night and the roar of thunder the inability to know if someone is going to hurt me scares the living heck out of me. Nothing is ever secure, nothing is ever truly written in stone. I could give my heart to someone and they could either coddle it as if it were the world’s most precious diamond or they could throw it to the ground with brutish force to watch it smash into many shards and pieces. It’s the risk one takes.
Trust is so fickle. It is conditional. Based upon precedents and behavioral consistencies. Trust is the river that flows freely until there is a rock or debris in its path and suddenly the waters are no longer soothing but rapid, choppy. These rocks could be small truths that deeper investigation found to be false. These rocks could be promises broken, small promises. The debris that causes the river to be hazardous could be as small as a phone number found in a pocket by chance.
Can I base my life on this? On this whim? On something as unstable and inconsistent as the direction of a wind or the flow of a river? Trust. Trust is a risk in and of itself. It’s a threat of disappointment or fulfillment. Its not a promise…it’s an intangible joke scratched into the brains of human’s everywhere. Will I forsake my trust, and in turn, forsake my sanity? Or will I hold on to the trust and risk forsaking the happiness of my heart? I don’t even trust that these questions will ever be answered so I simply continue on as I was…trusting that it will be okay thought there is no guarantee that it will.
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