This is my bestie's first youtube video. Show some love.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
After Life (What Will You See)
The incessant beep woke me up from that final sleep. The rest that many people pray for but aren’t really sure exists. Let me just say…I’m glad I woke up from that rest. While I was lying there fighting for my life, struggling to breathe past the death that forced its breath in my rebellious body I didn’t see my life flash before my eyes. I saw the life after my death and it wasn’t heaven or hell, it was sadness. Indescribable sadness because I saw the fact that my life had no impact on those around me.
I watched my friends carry on, taking life for granted. I saw my family forget about me with each deceitful tear. I observed face after familiar face continue on as if my life meant nothing. Lying there, in the hands of doctors and nurses, I decided that I was no longer going to give my life to the disease of self-denial; the plague of self persecution because of something that I could never change. Suppressing one thing about myself caused me to suppress so many positive, impacting attributes that God blessed me with. I’m funny. I’m caring. I understand to the point of empathy yet I buried it in a sea of self-desecration and denial. Who am I to judge myself more harshly than God himself judges?
I wondered, while I lay there reviving slowly, why did I hold the opinion of others so highly? Why did I take the word of supposed men of God over the word of God himself? How foolish I must have been to live my life, not for me, but for those around me. To be selfless is commendable and amazing in theory, but in truth it is painful. I do not suggest selfishness but never forget oneself in the matters of the world. This is exactly what I did. And in forgetting myself, I allowed other people to be able to forget me. By forgetting myself I disallowed who I am to shine through the muck and mire of life.
I did not see a white light or a narrow tunnel. I didn’t hear angelic voices or stand at St. Peter’s gate. I simply saw the truth. I witnessed the truth that lying to ones’ self will never grant. I’m twenty-nine and I finally had the epiphany of self. I have a mark to make. I have to imprint my existence on the plane of time because if I don’t do it then no one else will. I am a martyr. A living martyr because I died once with no legacy but now I choose to live only to create one. The next time I lie fighting to breathe past death the afterlife will look much more promising and I will enjoy the heaven of living my life to its fullest potential which is our basic duty as creatures of the Most High.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Melanie Fiona - It Kills Me (OFFICIAL VIDEO)
Uh oh, I have been directed to another vocal queen to sit beside my other favorite queens Erykah Badu and Chrisette Michele. She's giving me everything!!!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Reflections: It WAS It
I was listening to my mp3 player and the song "Declaration: This Is It" by Kirk Franklin journeyed into my conscious. It reminded me of a very taxing time in my life. Fall of 2008 I saw myself in the mirror. I saw a reflection of who I was and it showed me that who I thought I was, was simply a reflection. Not a reality. I was a reflection of my upbringing, a reflection of the beliefs of my elders, a reflection of the thoughts that had become my own. But if anyone has ever seen a reflection before, they know that a reflection is not really "you". It's a reversed image of you. This is why letters on T-shirts appear flipped around.
I remember hearing the song and it said:
"Gonna cry now, go ahead and get it out of my system
I know I hurt now, but soon I gotta get back to livin'
Can't be here next year, givin' you these same tears
I hope you enjoyed it, 'cause it's the last time you will take a piece of me"
Let's just say, at that time, I did cry. I wept for that reflection that I tried to make the REAL me. I wept because I knew that some people would be happier with the reflection than with the reality. I had to get back to "livin" because the "I" that was real was dying quickly and then I had a rude awakening. It shattered the mirror and my reflection and then all I had left was the bitter reality of who I was. The shards of my image lying in front of me was one of the most painful things I have endured. It was a personal death. A death that I appreciate because it has made me live.
The line "Can't be here next year, givin' you these same tears" means so much because this is that "next year" and the only tears I have shed have been for those who passed in this particular year. They are not the same tears that poured out of me in Fall 2008.
Again, I refer back to the song: "I can't keep livin' like this, there's gotta be more than this"
There was more than what I thought I knew. There was more than my reflection. It took the demise of that mirror for me to be able to see beyond it.
I wrote all this to let anyone know that no matter where you are at the present moment, no matter who you think you are at the present moment, all this can change. Especially when you are unhappy. Don't let the mirror make you into someone you aren't, don't let mirrors such as family and societal boundaries tell you that you are this and that when you know you are not. Live! Live outside of the mirror and you will also be DOIN' JUST FINE.
I remember hearing the song and it said:
"Gonna cry now, go ahead and get it out of my system
I know I hurt now, but soon I gotta get back to livin'
Can't be here next year, givin' you these same tears
I hope you enjoyed it, 'cause it's the last time you will take a piece of me"
Let's just say, at that time, I did cry. I wept for that reflection that I tried to make the REAL me. I wept because I knew that some people would be happier with the reflection than with the reality. I had to get back to "livin" because the "I" that was real was dying quickly and then I had a rude awakening. It shattered the mirror and my reflection and then all I had left was the bitter reality of who I was. The shards of my image lying in front of me was one of the most painful things I have endured. It was a personal death. A death that I appreciate because it has made me live.
The line "Can't be here next year, givin' you these same tears" means so much because this is that "next year" and the only tears I have shed have been for those who passed in this particular year. They are not the same tears that poured out of me in Fall 2008.
Again, I refer back to the song: "I can't keep livin' like this, there's gotta be more than this"
There was more than what I thought I knew. There was more than my reflection. It took the demise of that mirror for me to be able to see beyond it.
I wrote all this to let anyone know that no matter where you are at the present moment, no matter who you think you are at the present moment, all this can change. Especially when you are unhappy. Don't let the mirror make you into someone you aren't, don't let mirrors such as family and societal boundaries tell you that you are this and that when you know you are not. Live! Live outside of the mirror and you will also be DOIN' JUST FINE.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Bootz Meets Spicy
This is Bootz Durango. He is being featured because it seems that no matter what, he is "DOIN SO GOOD" and I love it. Get into his channel on youtube. http://www.youtube.com/BootzDurango
7:59 to the about 8:15 was funny as hell to me. But the whole video is interesting. Bootz raps, sings, plays piano, dances, models, does it all. Check him out!
Friday, October 2, 2009
My Top 10 ppl to see on youtube
Awww this is a shoutout to me and 9 other wonderful youtubers. Check them out!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Gay Exorcism Interview
This situation was not mediated well. People were talking over each other, screaming, yelling, and being just plain rude. Though I disagree with the prophetess and the overseer, that does not give me a right to attack them and do to them what so many people are doing to us. They shouldn't be demonized either, that isn't fair. However, my heart goes out to Jeffrey or Geoffrey (not sure how its spelled). I have been where that young man is now. I hope he doesn't fall apart like I did.
I also admire the True Colors representative. She was so real, so truthful. The statistics that Tyra has, if true, are vital to understanding that gay people are here, and though behavior may change, that really won't change. Whether I'm straight acting or feminine, the inside still looks the same as the next gay man. We need more voices like Tyra to speak on this. More voices like the young woman who was representing True Colors. This issue is real and it needs to be resolved, while respecting the views and opinions and religious beliefs of others.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Ellen Auto-Tuning with T-Pain!
This is the funniest thing ever. It makes anything sound hot..shows how much talent some of these "rappers" and "artists" have. Dont you think?
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Walking In Authority...
Donnie McClurkin, in a not so recent single, stated "I'm walking in authority, living life without apology...so you might as well get used to me."
That is such a true statement, such a deeply spiritual revelation that bleeds into the natural realm of self-realization and coming into ones' own maturity.
On recent youtube videos, ones where I challenge concepts such as the "homosexual demon" and "demon possession of a sexual spirit" and a more recent video where I acknowledge Tonex's courage and honesty as a righteousness that so many "Christians" don't seem to have, at least not in plain sight, people have left comments telling me to stop fighting against "the Church" and to "let my hurt go" and "repent" and "turn away from my 'lifestyle'."
Before I continue, I would like to dismantle this notion of a "gay lifestyle", not for all homosexuals, but for myself. I do not have a life "style" I simply have a life. A life in which I am a homosexual, not by choice but by some unknown hand. And since I believe that God is in control, it is by his hand that I am a gay man. I do not feed into this "style" of living, I simply am.
Furthermore, what people have misconstrued is the fact that I do not seek to justify myself, my life, my orientation, to them. My videos, my poetry, does not speak from hurt per se, it speaks from a knowledge, a revelation of a genuine love for humanity. Regardless of the moral standpoint of homosexual people, I am indeed a human being with a right to love and be loved by a fellow human being of legal age, etc. without repercussion from an entity, that in all honesty, has lost its political clout year by year.
Though the clout has been lessened, it has not been obliterated because religion, Christianity specifically, has ingrained itself along the thought-processes and viewpoints of people who aren't truly Christian on a day-to-day-basis. They only seem Christian when it comes to the issue of gay marriage and how "defiling and abominable" it is for a man to be with a man and a woman to be with a woman.
I speak out, as ONE VOICE against the detestation of the gay man and lesbian woman. I speak, not for myself only, but for a people who have not been able to speak so freely in times past. I speak for a people who may be too frightened to speak simply because they fear the wrath of God, or rather the wrath of their "Christian" parents and their peers.
So when I come against the notion of a gay demon, I do this not as an attack on the Church. But as an attack on the mindset that who I love is "evil" and "sinful". To tie in the first sentence of this post, I will proceed by saying that "I am walking in authority." The authority that God granted me to be who I am, sinful or not, God has used many imperfect people, according to the Bible, for great and monumental purposes. Noah was a drunk but he was chosen to be freed from the flood. Abraham was a liar yet he was chosen to be the "father of many nations." King David was a murderer, a liar, and an adulterer, yet he was a man "after God's own heart."
So apparently, God has no problem using flawed individuals to do great things for Him and His people. With that said, I will go on by quoting the rest of that chorus: "...living life without apology."
This is my life. This is my vocation. The path that I was given to walk, and trust and believe that I will walk it proudly. Not because of self-pride, but because of confidence in the God who formed me from the clay of my mother's womb. Trust in the God who holds "the whole world in his hands."
This God gave a revelation to Mr. McClurkin and he said it best when he sang "...its not wrong dear, I BELONG HERE. So you might as well get used to me."
That is such a true statement, such a deeply spiritual revelation that bleeds into the natural realm of self-realization and coming into ones' own maturity.
On recent youtube videos, ones where I challenge concepts such as the "homosexual demon" and "demon possession of a sexual spirit" and a more recent video where I acknowledge Tonex's courage and honesty as a righteousness that so many "Christians" don't seem to have, at least not in plain sight, people have left comments telling me to stop fighting against "the Church" and to "let my hurt go" and "repent" and "turn away from my 'lifestyle'."
Before I continue, I would like to dismantle this notion of a "gay lifestyle", not for all homosexuals, but for myself. I do not have a life "style" I simply have a life. A life in which I am a homosexual, not by choice but by some unknown hand. And since I believe that God is in control, it is by his hand that I am a gay man. I do not feed into this "style" of living, I simply am.
Furthermore, what people have misconstrued is the fact that I do not seek to justify myself, my life, my orientation, to them. My videos, my poetry, does not speak from hurt per se, it speaks from a knowledge, a revelation of a genuine love for humanity. Regardless of the moral standpoint of homosexual people, I am indeed a human being with a right to love and be loved by a fellow human being of legal age, etc. without repercussion from an entity, that in all honesty, has lost its political clout year by year.
Though the clout has been lessened, it has not been obliterated because religion, Christianity specifically, has ingrained itself along the thought-processes and viewpoints of people who aren't truly Christian on a day-to-day-basis. They only seem Christian when it comes to the issue of gay marriage and how "defiling and abominable" it is for a man to be with a man and a woman to be with a woman.
I speak out, as ONE VOICE against the detestation of the gay man and lesbian woman. I speak, not for myself only, but for a people who have not been able to speak so freely in times past. I speak for a people who may be too frightened to speak simply because they fear the wrath of God, or rather the wrath of their "Christian" parents and their peers.
So when I come against the notion of a gay demon, I do this not as an attack on the Church. But as an attack on the mindset that who I love is "evil" and "sinful". To tie in the first sentence of this post, I will proceed by saying that "I am walking in authority." The authority that God granted me to be who I am, sinful or not, God has used many imperfect people, according to the Bible, for great and monumental purposes. Noah was a drunk but he was chosen to be freed from the flood. Abraham was a liar yet he was chosen to be the "father of many nations." King David was a murderer, a liar, and an adulterer, yet he was a man "after God's own heart."
So apparently, God has no problem using flawed individuals to do great things for Him and His people. With that said, I will go on by quoting the rest of that chorus: "...living life without apology."
This is my life. This is my vocation. The path that I was given to walk, and trust and believe that I will walk it proudly. Not because of self-pride, but because of confidence in the God who formed me from the clay of my mother's womb. Trust in the God who holds "the whole world in his hands."
This God gave a revelation to Mr. McClurkin and he said it best when he sang "...its not wrong dear, I BELONG HERE. So you might as well get used to me."
Monday, September 21, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
It Takes A Moment
Often times, we tend to forget that it takes one moment of recollection to resolve issues. One moment of wisdom to end an argument or stop yourself from hurting the ones you love. My one moment was on stage at my most recent performance.
I performed, the performance was successful overall. I did not stammer over my words or forget my piece, but what I did fail to do was enjoy the moment, at least in hindsight. I didn't feel the fulfillment and exhilaration of being on stage, doing what I was born to do and in that moment of reflection I had an overwhelming urge to better myself.
Better myself in many ways but at that pivotal point in time, it was a betterment of my stage presence. "Stage presence" typically suggests being on a stage but I feel that stage presence could also be an everyday facet of your life. Some call it confidence, swag, aura, but no matter what it's called, I argue that the root of it all is presence. A presence within yourself that leaks out and inspires people to take notice of you, though that may not be your goal (to make people notice you). It would just be a consequence of your "stage presence."
All this came to me in a moment.
Watching Mary J. Blige perform in Tyler Perry's "I CAN DO BAD ALL BY MYSELF" was another moment that stage presence became tangible to me. It became something of substance because Mary was EVERYTHING on that stage. It was her moment to shine and she shone so bright that I think the stars had to dim themselves to keep from being blinded. It takes a moment, but it's up to you to make that moment mean something.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tyler Perry Perpetuate NEGATIVE STEREOTYPES About DARK SKIN Men
Does TP really do this? What are your thoughts?
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Pretty Wings
I have been trying so hard to ignore the nagging sensation to write about the song "Pretty Wings" by Maxwell. I do not believe Maxwell could have come back with a more phenomenal melody than "Pretty Wings".
This song captures the duplicity of love that I wrote about in a previous post. The brave petrification of love. I find it brave to "set someone free" instead of being selfish and holding onto someone when you know they can never give you what you need no matter how much you love them. Its both courageous and frightening, both admirable and regrettable.
"Oh, you played me dirty, your game was so bad
You toyed with my affection
Had to fill out my prescription for the remedy
I had to set you free.
Away from me
To see clearly
The way that love can be
when you are not with me
I had to lead
I had to live
I had to leave
I had to love"
This song is so emotional. It's like a bondage and freedom simultaneously.And let's not even mention the vocals which were deplorably awesome.
How do you feel about this song?
No matter what you think all I can do is close my eyes and vibe to:
"Ah, I should've showed you
Better nights, better times
Better days, and I miss you more and more
If I can't have you
Let love set you free
To fly your pretty wings around.
Pretty wings, your pretty wings, your
Pretty wings. Pretty wings around."
This song captures the duplicity of love that I wrote about in a previous post. The brave petrification of love. I find it brave to "set someone free" instead of being selfish and holding onto someone when you know they can never give you what you need no matter how much you love them. Its both courageous and frightening, both admirable and regrettable.
"Oh, you played me dirty, your game was so bad
You toyed with my affection
Had to fill out my prescription for the remedy
I had to set you free.
Away from me
To see clearly
The way that love can be
when you are not with me
I had to lead
I had to live
I had to leave
I had to love"
This song is so emotional. It's like a bondage and freedom simultaneously.And let's not even mention the vocals which were deplorably awesome.
How do you feel about this song?
No matter what you think all I can do is close my eyes and vibe to:
"Ah, I should've showed you
Better nights, better times
Better days, and I miss you more and more
If I can't have you
Let love set you free
To fly your pretty wings around.
Pretty wings, your pretty wings, your
Pretty wings. Pretty wings around."
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Every Question, Every Answer
In his eyes was every question asked by anyone who has been straddled by love. I saw every doubt ever doubted, every question ever asked, every suspicion ever offered. But, what is more perplexing, is the fact that after seeing every question I simultaneously saw every answer. The glistening sparkle in his eyes held the answer to why the world was. Staring into those orbs of life informed me why the dinosaurs had to become extinct, why Adam and Eve fell in the garden and why humans evolved from some type of ape. All of this was in the eyes of someone who had a profound effect on my physiology. Many call it love, but I call it foolishness.
My body was less real than it had ever been in this moment. All there was to life was his eyes. All there was to death was his eyes. For a moment, I lost myself in the simplicity of such an existence. Every concern lay before my field of vision and every solution to that concern lay in the same place. They were gold and brown, his eyes I mean. Like honey and amber, like chocolate and caramel, like sunlight through the shallowness of a lake. The pupils of his eyes were the abyss that caused the big bang. As they dilated I observed the answer to why the ocean receded and returned only to recede again. It was because they could never stay away from the shore for too long a time. The shore pulled the ocean to its borders just like his eyes pulled my hands to his chest and my soul to his embrace.
It was the most logical illogical thing I had ever witnessed in my life. It made no sense at all and still, it made perfect sense. Science would have to agree to every theory that his gaze presented as pure fact evidenced only by the smile that moved through his eyes like the sun behind clouds. I was eternity and I was second, I was death and I was life, I was fear and I was courage. Everything and nothing only because his eyes told me so.
Even as I watched them I wondered if he saw the same thing in my eyes? Did he witness the same vertigo, the same phenomenon of knowing everything and nothing at the same time? And no sooner than the question had been asked, I found the answer in the one place that it could be: the stare of the one who loved me. The answer shocked me and confirmed something that I had already known. I was wisdom and foolishness, he was knowledge and ignorance. And together we were fantasy and reality weaved into the perfect artifact. One that could never be bought or destroyed but only growing stronger as time lost its momentum to the assailant of forever in the eyes of my lover. He was, in fact, every question and every answer. Perfect illogical sense.
My body was less real than it had ever been in this moment. All there was to life was his eyes. All there was to death was his eyes. For a moment, I lost myself in the simplicity of such an existence. Every concern lay before my field of vision and every solution to that concern lay in the same place. They were gold and brown, his eyes I mean. Like honey and amber, like chocolate and caramel, like sunlight through the shallowness of a lake. The pupils of his eyes were the abyss that caused the big bang. As they dilated I observed the answer to why the ocean receded and returned only to recede again. It was because they could never stay away from the shore for too long a time. The shore pulled the ocean to its borders just like his eyes pulled my hands to his chest and my soul to his embrace.
It was the most logical illogical thing I had ever witnessed in my life. It made no sense at all and still, it made perfect sense. Science would have to agree to every theory that his gaze presented as pure fact evidenced only by the smile that moved through his eyes like the sun behind clouds. I was eternity and I was second, I was death and I was life, I was fear and I was courage. Everything and nothing only because his eyes told me so.
Even as I watched them I wondered if he saw the same thing in my eyes? Did he witness the same vertigo, the same phenomenon of knowing everything and nothing at the same time? And no sooner than the question had been asked, I found the answer in the one place that it could be: the stare of the one who loved me. The answer shocked me and confirmed something that I had already known. I was wisdom and foolishness, he was knowledge and ignorance. And together we were fantasy and reality weaved into the perfect artifact. One that could never be bought or destroyed but only growing stronger as time lost its momentum to the assailant of forever in the eyes of my lover. He was, in fact, every question and every answer. Perfect illogical sense.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Toni Braxton - My Heart never had a Hero [2009]
New song I heard on the radio that I like. Idk how long its really been out, i Just know its 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Lil' Kim ft.T-Pain DOWNLOAD [Official Full Length Music Video]
After watching Notorious...i really like Lil Kim more than I did before. lol
Friday, May 15, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
Figure it out by Kenny Lattimore and Chante Moore
Heard this song on the radio and I just HAD to share it with everyone. Its the one and only Keeny Lattimore and Chante Moore.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Bow Wow on misquoted BET blog
Bow Wow...dog, wat the hell u sayin? hahahahahah I dont think he gay...I just think he slow.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Dog Risks Life to Save his Best Friend
Awwww. Its crazy how animals behave in more human ways than we do.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wild Card Poet: Devlin
This is a member of an organization that I founded at my university, UNC-Greensboro. What do you think?
Friday, March 13, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
JoJo - Too Little Too Late (Official Music Video 720p)
Why do people wait until you ready to move on before they decide to try to win you back? Too little, too late!
Sunday, February 8, 2009
A Twist of Fate
Tell me this...
You wait and you wait for that one person who takes you as a whole. The one person who takes you by heart and by mind. You fall in love with them and then you are hit with a brick. That brick is labeled HSV2. The person that captures your heart is a victim of herpes.
The question is:
Do you open yourself up to the love that you know is there or do you tuck tail and run because you know that this is not what you want? Do you wrestle with thoughts of discrimination or do you relish in self-preservation? Weigh the options, weigh the risks. The love of your life could in fact leave you with a gift that you cannot give up or return. Is that a risk worth taking? Is it fair to them? No. Is that your fault? No. But what do you do?
Would God be so satirical and sadistic as to give you a love wrapped in a disease that cannot be cured and is also contagious? The relationship opens you up to everything besides the ultimate physical display of affection, does it make you shallow if you are not able to handle such a demand?
Is love worth one's health? Or is it really love if that love cannot be consummated without the risk of losing oneself in a virus that never goes away?
Love is so fickle, it molds itself to certain situations but one thing that love is not...is a cure. Its not a physical cure. It cannot perform a miracle. Will it make you a horrible person if you decide to save yourself from the impending danger of being a victim of herpes? Not necessarily. Many would deem it understandable. But what of the individual who has to live with this for the rest of his or her life? They aren't your responsibility. So many questions...but the answer lies only in you.
Ponder on that.
You wait and you wait for that one person who takes you as a whole. The one person who takes you by heart and by mind. You fall in love with them and then you are hit with a brick. That brick is labeled HSV2. The person that captures your heart is a victim of herpes.
The question is:
Do you open yourself up to the love that you know is there or do you tuck tail and run because you know that this is not what you want? Do you wrestle with thoughts of discrimination or do you relish in self-preservation? Weigh the options, weigh the risks. The love of your life could in fact leave you with a gift that you cannot give up or return. Is that a risk worth taking? Is it fair to them? No. Is that your fault? No. But what do you do?
Would God be so satirical and sadistic as to give you a love wrapped in a disease that cannot be cured and is also contagious? The relationship opens you up to everything besides the ultimate physical display of affection, does it make you shallow if you are not able to handle such a demand?
Is love worth one's health? Or is it really love if that love cannot be consummated without the risk of losing oneself in a virus that never goes away?
Love is so fickle, it molds itself to certain situations but one thing that love is not...is a cure. Its not a physical cure. It cannot perform a miracle. Will it make you a horrible person if you decide to save yourself from the impending danger of being a victim of herpes? Not necessarily. Many would deem it understandable. But what of the individual who has to live with this for the rest of his or her life? They aren't your responsibility. So many questions...but the answer lies only in you.
Ponder on that.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Trust. Such a Sadistic Word
Could I really forsake the precedents that many ungrateful men have set? How can I expect better when all I have been given is worse? I am only human and sometimes that scares me. It frightens me like that which cannot be stopped. It frightens me the way that the night frightens a little child who has to walk alone. It frightens me like the sound of thunder while you’re in the house alone. It’s a part of nature but that doesn’t make it any less frightening.
Just like the inevitable night and the roar of thunder the inability to know if someone is going to hurt me scares the living heck out of me. Nothing is ever secure, nothing is ever truly written in stone. I could give my heart to someone and they could either coddle it as if it were the world’s most precious diamond or they could throw it to the ground with brutish force to watch it smash into many shards and pieces. It’s the risk one takes.
Trust is so fickle. It is conditional. Based upon precedents and behavioral consistencies. Trust is the river that flows freely until there is a rock or debris in its path and suddenly the waters are no longer soothing but rapid, choppy. These rocks could be small truths that deeper investigation found to be false. These rocks could be promises broken, small promises. The debris that causes the river to be hazardous could be as small as a phone number found in a pocket by chance.
Can I base my life on this? On this whim? On something as unstable and inconsistent as the direction of a wind or the flow of a river? Trust. Trust is a risk in and of itself. It’s a threat of disappointment or fulfillment. Its not a promise…it’s an intangible joke scratched into the brains of human’s everywhere. Will I forsake my trust, and in turn, forsake my sanity? Or will I hold on to the trust and risk forsaking the happiness of my heart? I don’t even trust that these questions will ever be answered so I simply continue on as I was…trusting that it will be okay thought there is no guarantee that it will.
Just like the inevitable night and the roar of thunder the inability to know if someone is going to hurt me scares the living heck out of me. Nothing is ever secure, nothing is ever truly written in stone. I could give my heart to someone and they could either coddle it as if it were the world’s most precious diamond or they could throw it to the ground with brutish force to watch it smash into many shards and pieces. It’s the risk one takes.
Trust is so fickle. It is conditional. Based upon precedents and behavioral consistencies. Trust is the river that flows freely until there is a rock or debris in its path and suddenly the waters are no longer soothing but rapid, choppy. These rocks could be small truths that deeper investigation found to be false. These rocks could be promises broken, small promises. The debris that causes the river to be hazardous could be as small as a phone number found in a pocket by chance.
Can I base my life on this? On this whim? On something as unstable and inconsistent as the direction of a wind or the flow of a river? Trust. Trust is a risk in and of itself. It’s a threat of disappointment or fulfillment. Its not a promise…it’s an intangible joke scratched into the brains of human’s everywhere. Will I forsake my trust, and in turn, forsake my sanity? Or will I hold on to the trust and risk forsaking the happiness of my heart? I don’t even trust that these questions will ever be answered so I simply continue on as I was…trusting that it will be okay thought there is no guarantee that it will.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Gotta Go
To be quite honest...I love him. I do. And I am one of those people that fight for love. I fight like a son of a bitch because of that warm fuzzy feeling on the inside of my stomach. Like a great fur coat being brushed against my insides. The thing is: I can't keep fighting for that feeling if it starts getting weak. If the fur begins to feel more like scratches instead of snuggles. I give my all, I exhaust all of my resources, and then I accept the conclusion that [you] are not worth my struggle to maintain whatever this may be. I cannot struggle by myself.
It takes TWO to make a thing go right. It takes TWO to make a relationship work. I'm strong, I'm rather much...but obviously I am not enough. I tried...honestly, I gave it my all to no avail. You or rather, he, chose to do other things and left me in an oasis of my tears. Left me in a pool of mourning because I suddenly realized that most of the hope for any salvaging of this relationship vacated the premises a while ago.
I recall a song by Leona Lewis that states, "Even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile because I deserve to, it will ALL get better in TIME." With that said...I prepare myself for "in time" while i weep in the "now". Maybe we may still be together...one day...but that is a child's wish, a naive hope, a dream in the midst of a harsh reality. With that said...basically, I gotta go...but only so I can continue to be DOIN' JUST FINE.
It takes TWO to make a thing go right. It takes TWO to make a relationship work. I'm strong, I'm rather much...but obviously I am not enough. I tried...honestly, I gave it my all to no avail. You or rather, he, chose to do other things and left me in an oasis of my tears. Left me in a pool of mourning because I suddenly realized that most of the hope for any salvaging of this relationship vacated the premises a while ago.
I recall a song by Leona Lewis that states, "Even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile because I deserve to, it will ALL get better in TIME." With that said...I prepare myself for "in time" while i weep in the "now". Maybe we may still be together...one day...but that is a child's wish, a naive hope, a dream in the midst of a harsh reality. With that said...basically, I gotta go...but only so I can continue to be DOIN' JUST FINE.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
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