Prayer for Mercy--My Testimony

This is an excerpt from my life. Some of the characters are fictional but based on real life people. The main character is a younger me. Afraid, scared, and in love but conflicted. Comments are expected and welcome.

Prayer for Mercy-My Testimony

Sittin in church squirmin ‘cuz my pastor won’t stop talkin about me. He keeps goin on and on and on. God make him stop! Next subject please…I can’t believe this. I hear various “Amen’s!” and such from those in the pews behind me and in front of me. I just look at the pulpit silently prayin for pastor to move on. “The bible said that, a-ha, seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all these things—a-ha—will be added unto you. It said ALL things—a-ha—not some things. Can I get a witness? I said can I get a witness?” Brother Wilkins yells out, “Yessir, Hallelujah! Preach Bishop!” I smile. Pastor finally got off my case. Thank God.

I relax a little, just a little. Thinkin about callin my boyfriend when I get outta church. I smile again, thinkin about his grin. I think about the way I feel when he holds me. My first true love, I feel so blessed! He always tells me that he loves lookin in my eyes, he smiles every time I take my glasses off. If I were white I’d be red all the time from blushin.

“Now turn with me to…first Corinthians chapter six—I want to start at, uh, verse nine. Can somebody read for me?” Asks pastor as he adjusts his glasses. “Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God…?” reads Brother Wilkins. I groan inside, Lord why this verse? I can’t never get a break. Ugh…

“…Be not deceived: neither fornicators…” (Ha, that’s not me. I aint sleepin with nobody.) “Nor idolaters” (still not me) “nor adulterers” (I almost laugh, I’m only seventeen Lord knows I aint married) “nor effeminate…” I tense: effeminate. What does that mean? It can’t mean what I think it means, can it? Naw, I aint no sissy. I don’t act like a girl. My boyfriend wouldn’t like me if I acted too girly. Could it mean…gay? (Gasp) Of course not I proclaim, not believing my own self.

“Nor abusers of themselves with mankind,” continues Brother Wilkins. “Paul writes, a-ha, under the inspiration of God that no unrighteousness, a-ha, shall enter the kingdom of God.” Pastor begins walkin across the pulpit. (Oh Lord, he bout to get into it for sho now.) “The bible says neither fornicators, a-ha—you can’t pull down your britches or lift up your skirt, a-ha, without bein married. Don’t you know saints, a-ha, that a man or woman that fornicates, a-ha, does so with God’s temple? You sin against your own body, a-ha, not your sister’s body but your OWN body. Can I get an amen, a-ha? Hal-le-lujah!”

I breathe a sigh of relief. Good he’s gonna talk about fornicating; sex before marriage. I aint doin that, still got my V-card. “You can’t worship idols, a-ha. An idol is anything, a-ha, that you cherish more than God, a-ha. Don’t you know…” (Pastor wipes his face with his towel) “that God is a jealous God?” Maybe I should go to the bathroom or something before he goes any further. I look around…dang, Sister Etheridge is right at the door to the lobby. She won’t let nobody go to the bathroom durin the sermon. Lord have mercy!

“Read on Brother Wilkins.” Pastors says goin back to the podium. “Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God—” pastor cut Brother Wilkins off saying, “God said ALL unrighteousness! Some people try to make—a-ha—one sin greater than another, but God—I said GOD! A-ha!—God covered everything from sex before marriage to homosexuality” (my heart skipped a beat and I feel a little queasy) “to liars and money launderers, a-ha! None of you, a-ha, shall inherit the kingdom of God. And if u not on your way to heaven, a-ha, then you got to be on your way, a-ha, to hell.” Nervously, I look around stealthily. Nobody is lookin at me. I relax a little bit more. Where did he see homosexuality at? I must have missed that one. Wait—would that be ‘effeminate’?

“Read on brother,” says Pastor as I hear many people say ‘amen’ and ‘go head, pastor’. Brothers Wilkins reads on promptly, “And such were some of you—”.
“Aw, wait a minute here. I know the bible didn’t say that.” Pastor stepped back in feigned disbelief. “Yes it did, haha,” exclaims Deacon Watson.

“And such were some of who? Such were some of you,” he says pointing at the crowd. “Did ya’ll catch that? Such, a-ha, WERE some of you. Read on brother.”

“…But ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.”

“It says we are washed, a-ha, sanctified by what?” Pastor asks the crowd they respond ‘The Spirit of our God.’

“And that spirit is, a-ha, the Holy Ghost. The Holy Ghost cleanses, a-ha, the Holy Ghost justifies. That’s what the Word says, a-ha, and you can’t deny, a-ha, the Word of God. So Sister So-and-So, you don’t have to sin no mo’. When you have been baptized in the name of Jesus, a-ha, and when you receive…a-ha, the precious gift called the Holy Ghost, a-ha, you are justified.” Many shouts rose up. Here I am with the Holy Ghost, how am I justified or sanctified? Does that mean it’s okay to be with my boyfriend?

“Brother So-and-So, you can’t judge Sister So-and-So because the bible says, a-ha, ‘and such were some of you.’ And that goes both ways, a-ha. Don’t look down on your brother, a-ha, because they went through what you were blessed not to go through. Jesus is a deliverer, a-ha, for he delivered me. I was out in the world; drinkin and messin around havin a good ‘ol time in my mess, a-ha. But Jesus, a-ha, I said JESUS, lifted me out of my sin and filled me up with His Spirit, a-ha, after I was baptized in the name of Jesus Christ, a-ha, for the remission of MY sins!”

I was havin a serious inner battle. The Lord couldn’t possibly want me to give up Max, could he? How can it be wrong to be loved by someone that loves you back? I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t want to be gay. I don’t know what to do. I was baptized; I spoke in tongues and received the Holy Ghost. I am saved, aint I?

“If you are in sin, if you are in mess, a-ha, God told me to tell you, a-ha, to fight your flesh. Resist the Devil, and he will flee. Call on the name of Jesus; tell him to ‘rescue me.’ Be not deceived, for God is not mocked, a-ha. God told me to tell you to REPENT of your sins, a-ha, and turn away from it. Turn to Jesus, turn to God, turn to the only one, a-ha, that can keep you. Turn to Jesus, and deny yourself.”

Well, if it was wrong it would have left when I got saved. I can’t give up Max, I just can’t. We love each other, we really do. Surely, God wouldn’t want me to give that up?

“When you walk the Christian walk, a-ha, you have to make tough decisions, a-ha. You have to decide, a-ha, For God I live and for God I’ll die! You have to trust in Him, and believe in His word. There comes a time in our life, a-ha, where we have to give up, a-ha, what we love the most. Be obedient, a-ha, make the sacrifice. For He loved you and me, a-ha, before the world was. He loved me, a-ha, even in my sin. He loved me, a-ha, when I didn’t want to win. Look at me now, a-ha. I am servin the Lord, a-ha. And you can’t stop me. You can’t make me quit. I got Jesus on my side, a-ha, so please don’t touch me. Touch NOT His anointed, says the Lord. My brother, you have to make a choice, a-ha. Do you wanna serve Jesus, a-ha, or do you wanna serve your flesh? It is up to you. But God wants me to let you know, a-ha, that the wages of sin is DEATH, a-ha, but the gift of God, a-ha, is eternal life.”

I have to make a choice. I…meaning ME? How am I supposed to do that? Lord, I don’t know what I should do. Please have mercy on me. Help me Jesus for I do not want to die and be lost.