Barry sat down on his bed, exhausted, once Lisa left. He was numb and glad that his roommate was MIA. The tears strolled down his face, gently at first but then they came violently like an internal maelstrom. So many feelings, so much emotion that he could not account for: anger, embarrassment, sorrow, remorse, but mostly there was just pain. An anguish that fluctuated inside day in and day out. He was a bisexual and he felt it was the greater curse.
It didn’t seem that any one person could keep him truly happy. The women had something he desired, something he needed. The curves, the beauty, no man could imitate no matter how androgynous. And then, on the other hand, there was the hardness, the strength, the familiarity of a man that no woman could master no matter how masculine she was, she was always a woman.
Barry loved Lisa. Loved her more than anyone in his past yet she could not satisfy him. Mathias, one of his aces, whom he thought was straight came on to him and suddenly he could barely remember Lisa’s name. He forgot himself for a moment and once he forgot himself, how could he remember her? Mathias was attractive but nothing to sing about. Lisa was gorgeous. Her dark brown hair with its natural high lights and her complexion, so clear and brown. Like being in a pond but looking through the liquidity to see the sun shining down through the murkiness. But she did not have the hardness of a man, and never could.
Lisa was hurt, he understood that; probably more than most people. He just had to get her to hate him because she would have been hurt either way. Eventually he would have come to a point in their relationship where nothing she did was enough because it wasn’t in her nature to do. He hoped he cut her deep enough for her to hate him, but not deep enough for her to forsake all men. It was not Barry’s goal to damage Lisa, he was trying to protect her blindly, not considering the consequences of his words which replayed in his mind: “Mat fucked me just fine.”
The scream that came from his body was ragged, like it was ripped from his throat. Mathias had not had sex with him. They had only engaged in oral sex, no intercourse but he wanted Lisa to see the potential, to really understand the possibilities and to run from them. It hurt that he couldn’t trust himself and he left the bed to stare into the mirror at the riddle that he was. A man cursed to always want more and have no one that can ever truly fulfill the void. Rage came over him.
The mirror shattered as he recoiled his hand, bloody and sore from punching his reflection. Standing there, both his soul and his body crying, all he could do was bleed.
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